October 11 is National Coming Out Day, a perfect moment to consider how you’ll respond if someone in your life comes out to you—whether that’s today or October 11 or anytime in the future.
Whether you’re part of the LGBTQ+ community yourself or you consider yourself an ally, your response can have a profound impact on how supported, seen, and valued your friend or loved one feels.
Remember, every coming out experience is unique—no two queer or trans individuals have the same journey.
Here’s what to keep in mind to ensure you’re supportive, thoughtful, and respectful when someone chooses to share their identity with you.
What to Say and Do When Someone Comes Out to You?
No two coming-out experiences look the same. Identity is deeply personal and influenced by many factors—age, culture, economic background, race, language, and more. These factors often shape when and how someone might come out.
It’s crucial to remember that no one owes you information about their sexuality or gender identity. If someone chooses to share with you, it means they trust you and feel safe around you.
But if they haven’t yet—or ever—shared this part of themselves, it doesn’t automatically mean they don’t trust you. It could simply mean they’re not ready, or they prefer to keep it private.
Your response should reflect respect, openness, and sensitivity to the individual and your relationship.
Thank Them
First, show appreciation. You could simply say:
“Thank you for trusting me with this.”
This simple acknowledgment recognizes the courage it often takes for someone to share something personal.
You might also gently ask how they’re feeling after sharing. This can show you’re invested in their well-being without pressuring them for more information.
Ask What Pronouns They Use
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Especially if someone tells you they’re transgender, nonbinary, genderqueer, or otherwise gender diverse, asking about pronouns is a respectful and affirming action.
Ask clearly and simply:
“What pronouns do you use?”
Make sure you say “use,” not “prefer,” because correct pronoun usage isn’t optional—it’s central to identity and respect.
Show Support
There are several good ways to show your support. First, ask the person directly how they want to be supported.
Some might appreciate deeper conversations and ongoing check-ins, while others might simply want to inform you and then move forward without additional discussion.
Also, avoid reacting with surprise or disbelief. Acting shocked can imply you never considered they could be queer or trans, making them feel misunderstood. If you’re surprised, try not to let it show.
It’s appropriate to ask thoughtfully about their experience if they seem open to it.
You might say something like:
“What has this process been like for you?”
Offer Them a Way Out
If you feel curious and want to ask questions, always ensure they feel comfortable.
Give them the option not to answer:
“Is it okay if I ask more about this?”
“Are you comfortable sharing more about your experience?”
If someone feels forced or pressured to share more than they’re comfortable with, it can quickly become stressful—especially if there’s any power difference or imbalance in your relationship.
It’s also helpful to share why you’re asking, so the person doesn’t worry you’re simply being nosy.
For example:
“I’m asking because my child recently came out, and I’m trying to understand how I can best support them.”
Use Ring Theory
If you have complicated feelings about someone’s coming out—that’s okay. However, make sure you don’t place the burden of your emotions on the person who just came out.
There’s a helpful concept known as “ring theory.” Imagine any big life event as a circle, with the person directly involved at the center. The people closest to them form rings around them, with friends, family, acquaintances, and colleagues further out, like ripples in water.
When processing your feelings, talk to someone further from the center than you. Never push your emotions inward onto the person at the heart of the event. It’s completely normal to have mixed feelings, but you should manage those emotions independently or with someone else who isn’t directly involved.
For instance, if your sibling comes out and you’re struggling with your own feelings, seek support from a friend or counselor instead of making your sibling process your emotional reaction.
What Not to Do When Someone Comes Out
Don’t Out Them to Someone Else
Always assume this information is private unless they explicitly tell you otherwise. Ask if they’re open about this with others before mentioning it to anyone else.
Outing someone without permission could put them at risk, either emotionally or physically. If others pry for information, simply say:
“That’s their story to share, not mine.”
Don’t Pry
Remember, no one owes you details about their identity or experiences.
“78% of transgender and nonbinary youth reported being the subject of discrimination due to their gender identity. It’s clear that we need to do more to support transgender and nonbinary people” 👏
Thank you Daniel Radcliffe for all your support 💗https://t.co/C56gu10Fkk
— The Trevor Project (@TrevorProject) June 9, 2020
If you’re curious or want to understand better, consider turning to reputable resources such as the Human Rights Campaign, The Trevor Project, Them, or other LGBTQ+ educational websites.
These resources provide valuable, respectful information about LGBTQ+ identities and experiences.
Don’t Make It All About Sex
When someone comes out, it isn’t about their sexual behavior or intimate details. LGBTQ+ identity involves culture, community, politics, history, personal expression, relationships, and much more.
Reducing it simply to sex misses the whole point and can make the person feel misunderstood or uncomfortable.
Don’t Assume It’s a Phase
Especially if someone is young or newly exploring their identity, avoid dismissing or trivializing it as a “phase.”
Many LGBTQ+ people know their identity from an early age—some as young as preschool.
Even if someone’s identity changes or evolves over time, it doesn’t mean their current experience is less valid.
Whether someone comes out at age 15 or age 55, their self-discovery is real and important. Avoid phrases like “you’ll grow out of it,” or “you’re just confused.” Instead, offer support and validation as they navigate their personal journey.
Does Someone Have to Come Out?
Finally, remember that not everyone can or wants to come out. Some people aren’t in a safe environment, others are still exploring their identity privately, and some simply feel it isn’t necessary or relevant to share.
While coming out can be empowering and affirming, it’s a social practice rooted in the assumption that heterosexuality and cisgender identity are the defaults.
Ideally, society could shift toward not making assumptions about people’s identities in the first place, so individuals wouldn’t feel obligated to clarify or correct misconceptions about who they are.
Imagine how empowering it would be if everyone could simply exist as themselves openly, without assumptions being made about their identities from the start.
How to Be an Outspoken Ally
Want to be a more visible, outspoken supporter of transgender individuals at school, work, or within larger groups? Here’s how you can step up as an effective ally:
Speak up For Transgender People and Their Rights
If someone uses the wrong name or pronoun for a transgender individual, gently correct them. Don’t let anti-transgender remarks, insensitive jokes, or discriminatory conversations pass unchallenged.
Speaking up can feel intimidating at first, but openly supporting transgender rights sends a powerful message of acceptance.
Your visible allyship can inspire others to speak up too, creating a safer, more inclusive environment and potentially influencing those who aren’t yet supportive.
Support Transgender Individuals Facing Discrimination
@pinkmantarayTrans athletes experience extremely high rates of discrimination in sports. The inclusion of trans women is not a threat to the women’s category!
Transgender people often hesitate to report discrimination because they fear they won’t be believed or supported.
Make sure the transgender individuals in your life know you have their back, regardless of whether they choose to pursue formal action.
Clearly express your willingness to support and stand by them as they navigate difficult situations involving authorities, administrators, or supervisors.
Reflect on and Adjust Gendered Language
Consider the phrases you commonly use:
Do you frequently say things like “Ladies and gentlemen,” or does a coworker always refer to groups as “guys?”
While many transgender individuals might not mind common gendered terms, you can’t be sure without asking first. Be proactive by adopting more inclusive language, avoiding assumptions about gender or pronouns, and encouraging those around you to do the same.
Changing these habits requires intentionality, but it’s a crucial part of being an ally, especially in group settings.
Bottom Line
When someone comes out to you, responding with empathy, openness, and respect makes a powerful difference.
Keep your responses supportive, thoughtful, and affirming, and always respect the boundaries of the person sharing their truth with you.