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There is a classic debate among transsexual people about the importance of passing. Passing well enough to feel comfortable moving through life is pretty important. One does not want to have a gender discussion everywhere all of the time. I want to buy groceries, go to a restaurant, or use a public restroom without giving a lecture or debating my rights. That said, I wonder about the importance some transwomen and men put on living stealth.

Stealth, may mean different things to different people but in general what I hear is that those who do it do not what anyone to know they have ever been anything other than the gender they now appear. Those, I know, who are most successful at living this way either transitioned very young or have spent considerable time and money on cosmetic surgeries. Several transwomen I know have told me they are members of the 100k club ˆ having spent over that on looking as authentic as they can. They do look great! (Transmen often pull this off much cheaper). Many trans people do not and cannot come up with this amount of money. So . . . if you have youth, resources, look fabulous, and have worked on your voice so it does not out you, you can choose to live in complete stealth.

Is it worth it? This is an interesting question. What does it cost to go back in a closet after transition? What sort of history does a person need to construct? How does this isolate us? Can relationships be built on the foundation of secrecy? Can a future be built with no past? What if someone finds out? What if you are outed? What about honoring who you are? What about pride in what you have gone through to become more authentic?

I don't really know how well I pass. I don't get called sir often ˆ except on the phone sometimes. I am tall, my voice gives me away at times, I don't look like a star or a Barbie doll (although several people have said I look like Joni Mitchell). I don't often wear a sign proclaiming myself as TS. (I have worn a Transexual Menace T- shirt out in public). I seem to be able to live comfortably and authentically as who I am. I also consider myself very out and open about being TS and lesbian.

After so many years of struggling with my gender and body; fearing that others will see and reject me for my femininity I am greatly relieved to be out. After many years of living in a closet I am happier to give the space to my clothes. It's true that I am an activist and educator. I have been called a "professional trans" by some. I gain access and opportunities because of my unique status and willingness to be out. I feel more comfortable and powerful than I ever did when I spent much of my time in fear of discovery. I don't need to worry about what folks might be thinking or saying behind my back (most of the time).

What does being out cost me? It is not all wonderful and positive. I often spend more time and energy educating people than I want. I wonder about tokenism. I wonder too how many folks enjoy spending time with me because I am what I am. Did I get chosen for a position or role because of what I am? On public and professional levels being out seems much more positive than negative if I am willing to work a bit. There is, curiously, safety in being so well known in my community.

On a more personal level I wonder what sort of impact this has on relationship choices or opportunities. Many transwomen are single. Many remain that way. We are not on everyone's menu. Straight transwomen often fear straight men will reject them - or worse. They also don't appreciate being fetishized by men who only want them if they are pre-op. Lesbian identified transwomen are often clueless about how to meet or be with other women who identify as lesbian. Lesbians are not always welcoming of transwomen - check out Michigan Women's Music Festival. (Fear of rejection by men and women can push some of us into stealth territory) There can be a lot of general or political acceptance of transwomen by lesbians but when it comes to intimacy . . . there is a line that is difficult to cross. So transwomen risk solitude. But then, weren't we very alone before transition? Didn't we live in isolation and fear? Can any personal or intimate relationship be built on anything less than honesty?

Given all of the pros and cons being out and honest seems the better choice for me. Besides, I am proud of what I have gone through. (I am also proud of what I learned and experienced prior to transition). I think my path has offered me a wonderfully unique understanding of life. I think it is important for some of us to be out as examples for others. I think it is important politically. If it costs me intimacy, well the intimacy I had when trying to pass as a man was always limited.

So, enjoy me for who and what I am . . . I do.